People change into different people
It's hard to tell how people close to you change over time, if you take a few steps back the people you know today are not the same 5 years ago, or will be 5 years later.
I’ve been off of social media, primarily Instagram, for the last 4ish years, I got back on again in the last month or so and it’s both been a treat to reconnect with old friends while also feeling whiplash from how much people you once knew have evolved into different people. Some friends are newfound environmentalists, some have kids, some are delving deeper into school, and some still haven’t posted in years.
Experiencing this time warp has shown me that not only do people evolve naturally over time but with enough time people become entirely different.
The concept of change and evolution is natural and needed
It’s easy to say that you change over time, it’s obvious almost. As you grow up you find new activities that bring you joy, previously you may have looked past these. You also realize some of the things you spent so much time on are no longer a priority at this point of your life. Looking back on my own life, no further than since my time in college, I’ve picked up hobbies that I would have never even considered just a few years ago. My favorite things to spend time and money on in college, are for the most part no longer representative of who I am today.
I want to explore the concept that as time goes on people can change so much that they are entirely different people.
It’s difficult to conceptualize this as literally as it’s written. The primary way we meet and know people is by how they look, and physically we don’t change too much over time. It’s harder to notice how you change in the mirror when you look at yourself everyday, vs that one cousin that you see every 5 years.
I think that if humans changed physically over time in proportion to how much someone evolves emotionally, it’d seem that you change who you hang out with every few years.
I’m not here to negate the concept that parts of us will always stay the same, but rather to notice that it’s so natural for people to change that we must accept and love others’ changes as much as we appreciate their ability to remain the same.
I’m also not here to explain the concept of change and evolution but simply to acknowledge, appreciate, and learn to cope with its existence.
Simply, we change because the world around us changes, and we adapt to our world. What makes us smile today may bring us to tears next year. Not only does the external world try to make us change, we must accept. it. We should strive to keep our minds fresh.
You over time
At each point in our lives we have certain priorities - learn this skill, excel at this job, keep up this friendship. As time goes on we get better at some things, realize some things don’t make us smile like they used to, and find what we do like to give our time to. These all mold us into the person of that time. You in 2021 is not you in 2025. I fundamentally believe human’s greatest adaptations are: being social creatures, and being able to adapt to whatever the world throws at us.
Mentioned above, we must change. It is a privilege to exist and live, the fact that we can be different people in 5 years because of actions we take each day is an amazing opportunity. You are able to take life by the reigns and make yourself the person your younger self imagined.
You are not a computer that is programmed to do the same thing for its entire existence. It can be crushing to think I can do whatever I want with my life…so what do I do? It can be overwhelming to think but what makes it easier is knowing that others feel this too. Further down we’ll talk about how to live a life with purpose.
So besides reacting to external stimuli around us we should all strive to grow and be better for the sake of being good humans. If you haven’t changed in 5 years, you have either reached a bliss I hope to achieve, or maybe there’s some growing and learning that’s not too far out of reach.
Since speaking with my therapist about the constant idea of growth I do want to acknowledge that this can easily become a slippery slope, especially if you were raised to be the best at anything you do. You must give yourself finish lines along the way, if your finish line is to be “the best” then you’ll never be satisfied.
People around you changing
Your friends and family will be different people at different times of your life. Who you met in college, who is now accepting their medical school match has grown into a person they want to be. You can’t expect that friend to like the same things, or have the same amount of time available for you forever.
Your friend Jen 5 years ago is effectively a different person than she is today. If you didn’t know Jen 5 years ago, would you be their friend today? I don’t think your answer necessarily needs to be yes or no, but instead let Jen do her thing and be who she wants to be throughout those 5 years and expect the same.
If you want the people around you to be the same - see you the same, see the world the same, then there is no growth, and you are denying their ability to grow. Again, some people have core values that should stay the same, we don’t want to see the world become malicious, but instead everyone should be given the opportunity to evolve.
I think this is most prominent in romantic relationships. Think about those grandparents that have been together for decades, they were certainly different for each other and to each other during each decade. They had to understand or learn this, 70 year old you will be different than 40 year old you.
So we understand that people change, what should we then, and how can I not spiral into thinking the person I met 5 years ago is no longer the friend I want?
Stay the same or change, or both?
As I’ve alluded to before, because it’s so easy to change since the world around us changes, we have an obligation to keep some things about you constant while simultaneously letting other parts of you change.
Decide your values and priorities in life to keep mostly constant, these should still be given space to evolve and adjust, but should be kept as a north star that guide the rest of your life.
Give yourself some big picture ideologies that guide your daily actions. For many folks these are religious, let’s consider: do little harm, constantly be learning. These are easy to start with and can easily be applied to each day.
This is your raison d'être, why are you here? What is your purpose as a human, luck has favored your existence, how do you give back to this world?
I read somewhere that humans are the only being that is capable of being lost, even if they are physically exactly where they’re supposed to be. Don’t let yourself be lost for too long by not knowing who you are, but think: if in 10 years I looked back at me today, would I be proud of the values I hold today? I had previously written about new years resolutions, the end of the year is a great time to review your goals and how you’ve achieved them at each point in your life.
One way that I’ve broken up my life into what I want to change and what I want to keep concept is using short term, medium term, and long term goals.
Start with your long term goals, such as those that are 5-10 years in the making. Don’t spend an immense amount of time here, these should follow naturally from your north stars and are most likely to change. For me these are: spend time with more people who are different than me, inspire as many people around me as I can, allow myself to try things that have always scared me.
Then give yourself goals for the end of the year, these are your medium term goals. Based on these yearly goals give yourself milestones throughout the year - every 3 months you’ll want to “be here”.
Lastly give yourself weekly habits - these should be be non-negotiables and must build up to your yearly goals. Whether this is read at least 30 minutes a week, or try one thing that scares you or embarrasses you a little bit. .
If it’s about learning a new skill - how do you practice this in the week
If it’s about finding a new job - who can you talk to regularly, or what events can you join to get you there
By giving yourself some constants, you have eliminated the mental and emotional load of what then can change. Because I know I want to inspire people around me, now I have the space to iterate on myself and where I spend time knowing that each time I do something new it’s in order to inspire others around me.
Reflect to grow
So we spoke about looking into the future you, but how is this version of you guaranteed? I think it’s as simple as looking back, if you’re 25 you can imagine who you will be at 30, but you are certain who you were at 20. What were your priorities 5 years ago and last year, are these priorities good for you, or did they help you, did they harm you? What habits do you want to keep in your life or which do you want to leave behind?
Only when you reflect can you notice how much you’ve changed, and the more you continue to reflect over time and build a life journal about yourself you’ll see if you’re living the life you want.
Reflections
The past week I’ve been journaling an insane amount, for the first time in my life, so that’s where most of my writing energy has gone towards. Since journaling so much and seeing old friends on social media, I kept coming back to the idea that who I was 5 years ago is undeniably a whole different being. Only because my body looks mostly the same is it hard to confirm this, but it’s certain.
One quote I read this week that I wanted to share is:
Anything built internally can be built externally.
Everything that exists in the man-made world once lived in an imaginary world, so don’t let the world around you limit what your mind can conjure.